Now I know I'm ready to say what I've
been meaning to say for so long. I can't hide it any longer. Can I
muster up the courage to tell all? Kind of. But are you – the
reader – ready for this? Are you prepared to know the truth? Really
though, if you aren't interested, this isn't for you. Ready? Okay,
you've had your chance to run. Well, here we go.
What is truth? As it's defined in the
dictionary, “the true or actual state of a matter,” “conformity
with fact or reality,” “a verified or indisputable fact,
proposition, the principle, or the like,” “the state or character
of being true,” “actuality or actual existence.” Okay, so
what's honesty? “Freedom from deceit or fraud.” Interesting
definitions, but is that how we view those words ourselves? Do we
even know what half those definitions really mean? If you passed
elementary school, I would hope you did. But enough beating around
the bush. Let's get to the main event.
I meant to release this entry on
December 11th, but due to certain circumstances I couldn't
get around to it. December 11th has been a horrible day
for me. Always around this time of year, something bad happens to me
or to a friend of mine. Why that date in particular? It was an event
that occurred two years ago that left me scarred for life, an event
that has made me feel sorry for myself when all I want to do is live.
It was a day I knew a friendship was going to end with time, and I
blamed myself for its ending for too long.
As some of you know, I've been wanting
to find someone dear to me, but he shall remain anonymous for
personal reasons and for privacy. Some of you may know who he is
already, but I would refer if you also left his name anonymous unless
you want to speak through PMs. He was someone who kept my sanity in
check when things weren't going my way at work. More importantly
though, he helped me rediscover my will to live, and to remind me I'm
human after all. He treated me like an individual, and never really
asked for too much. It was through these qualities I fell in love
with him.
Yeah, okay, who didn't see this coming?
Show of hands? Come on, don't be shy. I bet even the people I
graduated with saw this coming a mile away. I didn't even come to
this conclusion until two years ago. Before any of you jump to a
conclusion that I'm doing this for attention, or whatever, drop dead.
This isn't an attention getter, this is a “me coming clean”. I'm
sure everyone has heard how horrible it feels for a person who's
“closeted.” It is indeed one of – if not the – worst feelings
in the world, up there with homesickness, mourning, and heartbreak.
Experiencing it for myself and not realizing who I was until two
years ago, it was awful. It wasn't until this year I decided I
couldn't keep silent any more.
“Drew honey your not weird
ok...... You know sometimes you have to let your emotions go so you
can heal and move forward in your life. If you need a shoulder to
lean on to listen i am there for you.”
- Codename: Momma
So, yeah, I'm in love with a guy who I
know doesn't view me that way. In truth, I never wanted to see him as
a love interest. I wanted to be his friend, nothing more. Yet when
nerves work against you, everything changes. For God's sake, I've
even asked myself constantly, “We see each other almost every
single day, what the hell has changed?” Everything. It wasn't
instantly, this took time to work it's way through. A year after we
had met, that was when it happened. Let me tell you this, I wasn't
excited for this, I was terrified. I knew my life was going to be
changed forever. I dreaded what my family, my friends, my co-workers,
everyone would think. Every time I saw the person in question, I
couldn't find myself to speak to him like I usually did, or even look
him in the eye. I felt ashamed, but nowadays I feel like a complete
idiot for not coming clean. In a way, I think he knew, yet didn't
want to say anything. I really believe my dishonesty and silence was
what eventually would end a great friendship. I even asked my best
friend's mother – the first person I told – if I had told him
years ago would things had been different? She's not one to lie to
me, she told me straight up “Yes. Things would've been better if
you had told him.”
Those
who kept tabs on me also know recently I sent a message to said
person after a year of silence. Haven't heard anything back from him,
and I don't blame him if he never wants to speak to me. After all, I
haven't really been the best of people in his life. The last day we
spoke to each other, he gave me a phone number I only called once
before my phone service got disconnected, I invited him to a birthday
party that never took place, and I was always too scared to ask him
if he ever needed my help or if he ever wanted to talk about
anything. Any time I ever did try to help him out, I think I only
made things worse.
“Love you.”
- Sister
“I really hope everything works
out for you, sir.”
- Bro-in-law
So why
make this big, elaborate post that almost seems like a big whiny
bitch fest? Quite simple. I think two years is enough to feel sorry
for myself. My main thing I keep stating is how I want to apologize
to him. The more I think about it, what do I have to apologize for
really besides not being a good friend? All this time of me stating
how I'm determined to meet him again only proves I'm not ready yet. I
don't think I'll ever be ready to face him. If anything, this goes to
show I have a lot of growing up left to do. I'm tired of blaming
myself for something I probably couldn't prevent, and I'm tired of
portraying myself as a victim when I'm anything but. And besides, for
all I know, he's probably happy without me being there. He probably
moved out of Illinois, probably has a girlfriend – or wife, who
knows? - who makes him happy, managed to finally start breeding the
puppies he always wanted, maybe even started attending school like he
always wanted. Isn't that enough? Isn't part of some relationships is
you have to let them go and grow before we see the complete picture?
I don't think I'll ever truly get over him. Hell, who ever does
forget the first person they truly fall for? I just hope that
wherever he is, whatever he's doing, I hope he hasn't lost his smile.
I hope it's still shining on like the first and last day we met.
“I can only imagine how hard it
must have been for you to feel like you didn't fit in. I'm sure
confessing is going to make you a whole hell of a lot happier.”
- Best friend
I just
hope whenever we meet again, it'll be under better circumstances, and
that next time I can speak to him like we use to. I can't see into
the future, and I can't travel to the past to right my wrongs. All I
can do is let my road keep heading straight. If I see him along the
way, great. If the last time I saw him was a year ago, I'll have to
live with it. Life goes on. I can finally say after two years of
living in misery, it's time to stop. I knew from the beginning this
happened nothing was going to happen between us. This isn't a crappy
book one can whip up and write down “Here, instant relationship!”
Those who think that need therapy, my opinion.
“Don't beat yourself up or call
yourself a bad person because you lost a year with a good friend.
You're a good person. You don't deserve all the crap you've been
getting. Something good's bound to go your way. And the fact you were
brave enough to tell people, I'm sure you'll find the right person
for you. Stop stressing, okay?”
- Awesome manager
But
enough beating around the bush. Time to close this out. Some things I
want to say to ease some people. No, I'm not into fashion, I don't
care what's in or out, nor do I care what kind of shoes you're
wearing. I'm still a guy, dammit. Fuck the tabloids, I couldn't
careless if Kim Kardashian fell on another dude's dick or who Kanye
West pissed off this week. I don't like the color pink, pastels, or
anything feminine. I wear MEN'S clothing, not women's. Can't stress
that enough. I don't go to gay bars, or bars in general. I don't hit
on every man that walks my way. To all my male friends, no, I've
never had an interest in hooking up with any of you. Breathe easy,
dudes. Besides, I'm a horrible flirt anyway. Point to give out, I'm
not a fucking stereotype. I'm me. Deal with it.
And
that, as they say, is that.
